Realistic Expectations - Closing Thought

What if, instead of "expecting" or "wanting" from people, we start expecting and wanting to express Christ to everyone, specially when they don't deserve it?

Realistic Expectations From Children

Everything we have discussed so far  regarding expectations certainly applies to our children. They are broken  and sinful human being, just like you and I, and they need the same amount  of grace and patience as everyone else. However, there are additional things  to keep in mind with these little ones.

Children do not understand right  and wrong the same way mature people do. And I am using the word "mature" carefully here, because there are some grown-ups that do not understand  this very well either, but that is a different post.

Similarly, they do not have the  same capacity for though, understanding, memory, forethought as we do,  so we need to keep this in mind during our day to day interactions with them.

It is a running joke in my house  that I need to learn how to deal with children. My wife is extremely gifted  in this area; I am not. A few months after we were first married, we were  keeping my newly "acquired" three year old nephew with us for  the weekend. After telling him repeatedly to not play around the house in the way he was, I got frustrated and decided to have a "teaching  moment" with him. So, I sat him down and proceeded to ask him, with  the full expectation to get an answer from him, "why he was choosing  to behave this way." I actually sat him down and asked him that, verbatim.

The child looked at me as if I  were from a different planet. He had no idea what I was talking about.  My wife busted out laughing at me!!! The truth is that the child did not  have the capacity to remember that I had told him not to do what he was  doing. He might focus on other things for a few minutes, but after a while  he would come back to the item of interest. This is natural, children of  that age have a short attention span and need constant repetition in order  to learn a specific behavior.

On the same note, children do not  understand the concept of danger. They do not know that cars or electricity  can kill them. They do not even know what death is. They have no concept of cost, or value, or money.

It is important to understand their  capacity so, when they do something that frightens or frustrates us,  we can respond to the situation out of our understanding, instead of personalizing  their actions as disobedience, neglect, carelessness, etc., and reacting in anger.

Understanding their limitations  and the developmental stages of children will allow you to set realistic  expectations for your child. And it will also allow you to help them grow,  learn, and discipline them in a more effective way. You will be able to  interpret what they do, or don't do, not as an act of rebellion, but as  a natural part of growing. Having realistic expectations will not also  help you be a better parent and teacher, but it will also allow you to have  a greater level of peace in your daily interaction with them.

When raising children, it is also  important to take into consideration their personalities, strengths, and  weaknesses in order to set realistic expectations for them. Every child  is different, so the expectation you set for each child should be different  as well.

Realistic Expectations from Yourself

After looking at the expectations  we have of everyone else, it is important to look at the expectations we  put on ourselves.

There are two different  groups of people, those that expect too much of themselves, and those that  are too lenient and expect too little of themselves. I fall in the group  that has unrealistically high expectations of oneself. I expect perfection  and, when I do not achieve it, I beat myself down. This is a very unhealthy  and self-destructive habit.

Neither of these groups are healthy,  and they both have their own risks and consequences. Therefore, it is important  to understand that we need to set reasonable expectations for ourselves.  No one can be uplifting and encouraging 100% of the time. Likewise, no  one can be peaceful and Christ-like at all times, or know exactly what  to say or do, but what about 80% of the time? or 70%?

I think  it is possible to get to the point where we are content 80% of the time,  or at peace, or joyful, or loving and accepting towards other, or humble,  or Christ-like. Naturally, we can not get to this point of our own accords,  we need God' grace, leadership, and strength to accomplish this. The good  new is that God does want us to get to this point.

The other 20% or 30% is where we  need God's grace in the form of forgiveness. It is those times that we  need to humble ourselves, ask God to help us do better, and thank him for  His sacrifice at the cross and his forgiveness. It is also at those points  that we are reminded of how much we need him, and we should learn to thank  him for keeping us humble. Remember Paul's thorn?

"So to keep me from becoming  conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn  was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me  from becoming conceited." 2 Corinthians 12:7, ESV

I do not believe God wants us to  achieve perfection during our stay here on earth. He did not believe this  was possible (Philippians 2:6, 1 John 1:8), but He does want us to go through  the sanctification process, even if it is for some partial level of improvement  (Hebrews 6:1). The times in life when we go through difficulties or fall  short are meant to draw us closer to Him, to help us build greater intimacy  with Him, to keep us humble so we can minister to others effectively and, when time comes, we will make it into that  promised land without pain, or tears, or hunger, or thirst (James 1:1-18).

Embrace the fact that you are a  sinful creature and you need his grace and forgiveness as much as anyone  else. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Strive to live a life that is,  for the most part, free from bondage, free to love and be loved, full of  righteousness, self control, and the other aspects of Christian freedom.  All of these flowing from your intimacy and relationship with Christ, but  not necessarily a perfect life.

Realistic Expectations from your Spouse

God called my wife my "helper" (Genesis 2:18). What if what she is supposed to help me with is becoming  more like Christ by pointing out those aspects of my person that are NOT  like Him?

This does not necessarily make  me happy. It is painful and uncomfortable, but the results are well worth  the inconvenience. However, lets clarify a couple of points before we get  ahead of ourselves.

When I say "by pointing out",  I do not mean that she actually hands me, or reads, or even discusses a  list of every one of my flaws with me. Please do not do this to your spouse!!!  I mean that, through our every day interactions, my flaws, such as impatience,  selfishness, temper, come to the surface. The Holy Spirit will use these  instances to convict me and point out these sinful tendencies within me.  Note that I did not mention anything about my spouse pointing out anything  to me! These situations happen naturally when two (or more) sinful and  imperfect people spend extended amounts of time together.

In an ideal world, our spouses  would be nothing but kind, encouraging, serving, loving, and Christ-Like.  However, we can no more expect this of them as we can expect it of ourselves.  Therefore, I think it is wise to understand that they will hurt us, they  will do and say things that will get under our skins and, in the more unfortunate  instances, deeply hurt our hearts. It is important not to expect perfection  from our spouses, but expect that they will, however much they may love  us, behave in a way that is consistent with the sinful nature that we all  share.

Miscommunications, changes of plans,  bad days, are all natural things and we should learn to expect these things.  We need to start expecting that life is not all fun and games. On the other  hand, we should also focus on the fact that, when undesirable circumstances  arise, we will be able to resolve them quickly and keep moving forward.  If we focus on the "undesirables" too much, we will depress ourselves.

Once we understand this, and we  can look at our spouses, their words, and actions, through eyes of understanding  and compassion, our marital relationships will start becoming more  and more like Christ wants them to be.

What would happen if you were able  to express forgiveness, patience, and love to your spouse in the  way it is describe in 1 Corinthians 13? And what if, at the same time,  your spouse had the same attitude towards you? How much more enjoyable  would our lives with our life partners be?

Realistic Expectations From the Church

The church is made of broken people.  Those that form the church grew up in the world, and they share the same  brokenness, mindsets, attitudes, imperfections that the world has. If we  are to express love, understanding, patience, kindness, etc., to  the lost, how much more should we express these to our brothers and sisters  in Christ? We should learn to expect that, out of their brokenness, our  brothers and sisters in Christ will hurt us just as much as anyone in the  world might.

Now, let me clarify that I am not  talking about abusiveness here. If a Christian is purposely sinning and  hurting people, there is a much different dynamic at work and it needs  to be address through the discipline process that the bible outlines, but  that is a different topic. I am talking about every-day hurts and offenses  here.

What would happen if, instead of  expecting our brothers and sisters to behave according to our own definitions  (and expectation) of sinless perfection, we expect them to hurt us  every  once in a while and choose, beforehand, to express forgiveness to them?  What if we expected them to make the human mistakes that we are so eager  to forgive when we make them ourselves? What if we expected them to have  different opinions, mindsets, ways of thinking and understanding than we  do?

What would happen if every Christian  chose this attitude, instead of choosing to become offended and react out  of their own hurt and pain?

I think that we would experience  a much different church, a more relevant, tolerant, and understanding church,  a church that is much more appealing to the lost as well as the saved,  where members flock to in order to experience true, intimate, SAFE, fellowship.  I think we would see much more unity in the body, instead of church and  denominational splits every other week.

What are your expectations of your  fellow believers? What attitude do you choose to have towards your brothers  and sisters? What attitude do you think Jesus would have you choose towards  them?

Realistic Expectations From the World

What do you expect from the world  and others?

The bible is clear that we should  expect to be persecuted, but do we really have this expectation?

Why do we get so upset at the world  when they promote sinfulness? Why are we surprised at hearing the sin that  goes on in the world?

Let me add that sometimes we are,  hypocritically, surprised and even offended at the sins of the world; and  yet the church is doing the same things (i.e.: divorce, sexual immorality,  pornography, materialism, you name it). Why are we so surprised that lost  people behave like lost people?

We should learn to expect the world  to behave sinfully, idolizing everything and anything that they think might  satisfy that craving deep within all of us. This craving, that in Christians  should be satisfied by Jesus alone, leaves those that do not have Christ  feeling empty and running to anything to find satisfaction. We need to  learn, and make a habit of, seeing this as a deep rooted need that can  only be satisfied by Jesus. The same need that is in all of us, instead  of judging them for being "sinful" or doing things that you might  not do.

And this understanding needs to  be based on a sense of compassion towards them and thanksgiving towards  God. Thanksgiving because he chose to reveal himself to you and not to  them, yet. Out of this sense of compassion and thanksgiving, our hearts  should plea to God, in reverence and love, for him to have mercy on the  world and open their eyes and hearts so they may see that He is the answer  that they are looking for.

This is the compassionate and loving  attitude that we should have toward the world. When everything is said  and done, the world is really just as sinful as any saved Christian. The  only difference between the two is that God chose to extend his grace towards  the latter and not towards the earlier group.

If you had been born under the  same circumstances as they were, and God had not extended his saving grace  towards you, would you be that much different from them? Would you want  to be shown mercy and compassion instead of judgment and indifference?  How did Jesus treat the lost and hurt? Ask yourself these questions the  next time that you are confronted with something or someone that you find  offensive, and you will see your heart attitudes towards the lost change,  and you will find yourself able to love you enemies, those who hurt you  and persecute you, with greater ease.

Today, I challenge you to accept  those that do not have Christ in their lives as people, just like you or  I, who need Him, but do not have him and, therefore, do not know how to  satisfy that God-sized/shaped hole within their hearts.

Father, help us by like you towards  our enemies. Help us extend your love towards those that do not have you.  Help us see our own sinfulness and sinful nature more clearly, that we  may understand that any difference that there might between the Christians  and the lost is not because of our doing, but because you chose to be gracious  to us, reveal yourself to us, and make us new creatures. Let this revelation  change our heart towards you and those that hurt and offend us. Let it  produce humility and love in our hearts, that we might be more like Christ  and less like the judgmental Pharisees. Let us understand that our salvation  is your doing, and not our own, that we might boast in you and your grace,  and not on our accomplishments and strength, which are null. Thank you  for your amazing grace Lord, let us shine brightly for you, with unwavering  and unconditional love towards everyone, because we all need it. Let us  be transformed, by the renewing of our minds, and the way we look at, and  understand, the world.